URGH!!!!

I  AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!

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Adele - All i Ask (Lyrics)

This song... really speaks to me so much.. sometimes i listen to it through out the night or while driving back home.. i felt the pain and would just cry...

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My Cuddlies

My cuddlies - Emsie Bear, Azusa Sparkly Unicorn and Layla my little Unicorn..

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LOL

i love you <3

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My current ordeal - my love (part 1)

So, I’d like to update about my love life in this post – I am currently in a complicated relationship if I can call it a relationship.

I am basically in love with a married man. Being in love with a married man is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, especially if he is returning the affection and feelings, but still with his wife.

So what do we do when we fall in love with a married man? Do we start an affair or do we walk away and never know what may have been.

I’ve read a lot on the internet saying probably the truth that most of us specially me don’t want to hear. Don’t have an affair; it’s not worth the effort! The best thing to do is to just walk away. An affair is the complete opposite of ‘ease.’ Or so they say..

I am not trying to be defensive on this topic but before being in this position myself i would even say the same thing. But what i can say is until you are in my shoes or ours and walking in it please try to reserve your hateful and evil comments. It is never easy. It is not what i nor him or anybody else i am sure would want to be do or be in. It is messy, it is difficult, it is very painful.

To find your true love, sole and soul mate is amazing and wonderful but  finding them married or you’re already married with children and is in love with another woman/man is another.

We often talk about why do you want to be the other woman?!

My answer would be  - Really? Do you really think that i want to be the other woman? Do you think that any of the “other women” would want to be one? Negative!

Yes, i can consider myself as a cheater. But all i ever wanted is true happiness.

This is by far, the hardest thing I've ever experienced.   I'd rather have a terminal illness than continue to relive all of those emotions brought on by my selfish affair.   I want to walk away.  I have, It's so wrong, so painful, yet i always end up talking to him again and loving him still.

You can’t really stop loving someone can you?  I ask myself, "what kind of woman would fall for a married man?"  I have to ask myself that to balance out the crazy love and desire I have for him.  I'm forcing myself to see his flaws so I don't continue to damage more lives.  I'm so hurt and confused . I need help.  I admit it, I need help.  

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. We are not from the same working place, community, or country.  We got to know only from a chat app, and immediately added as friends in Skype. We had an amazing friendship  from the begining. We shared almost everything. We laughed at silly jokes, we make fun of each other and joke around. We basically just enjoy our company as chat friends. He always cared for my feelings, he managed to break down the walls i built around me.

I have gone through my fair share of painful bad relationships and rotten so called friends. i have always been a little secretive and do not talk much of my worries/problems to others. I always try to handle them myself – i am pretty bad at it. But i felt like nobody really cared for me, nobody really cared to know how i really am feeling everyday, how my day was and etc.

I had to take care of others always – but who is taking care of me?  I felt lost and alone.

He saved me.

His presence in my life saved me. I was going through a horrible life before we started to talk – he helped me a lot emotionally.

He tries to guide me back to the correct ways, i may and can be stubborn but i listen to him cos the way he is guiding or teaching.

Now there is nobody in the world that i trust and would want to share everything about me but him.

Yes, some would say he is only doing this cos probably there is a bad intention or his just being nice to me. He is a nice guy, he is an amazing guy. He was just being himself.

He has amazing children – they are beautiful. He has a lovely wife too. Imagine how hard it is for me, and i know it is for him too – maybe more for him. I know he feels guilty, helpless, hopeless, selfish, pain by all of this.

I am not saying all of this just cos i love him and im simply giving an excuse to infedility, that it’s okay to cheat. No.

Like i said nothing is easy. We did not plan for this. We just fell in love..

As the friendship grew, i realised after almost a year that i was in love with him. I have always enjoyed our talks, topics we talked about – we talk about almost everything! Never sexual. It was never sexual with us.

I finally told him my feelings, and i was surprised that he felt the same. The love grows more and more every single second.

He is my best friend, my heart, my love and i honestly do feel that he is my true love body, mind and soul...

To be continued....

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Secret Love Song

When i first heard this song, i felt it - right in the middle of the heart.

Almost the same but not the same - but those whom have or currently is going through something almost similarity of a secret love would understand what i am talking about...

"Secret Love Song"

(feat. Jason Derulo)

When you hold me in the street

And you kiss me on the dance floor

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

We keep behind closed doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls

It'll never be enough

It's obvious you're meant for me

Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly

Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep

But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this, we got a love that is homeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

[Jason Derulo:]

When you're with him, do you call his name

Like you do when you're with me? Does it feel the same?

Would you leave if I was ready to settle down?

Or would you play it safe and stay?

Girl you know this, we got a love that is hopeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

And nobody knows I'm in love with someone's baby

I don't wanna hide us away

Tell the world about the love we're making

I'm living for that day

Someday

Why can't I hold you in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that we could be like that

Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours

Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

Why can't I say that I'm in love?

I wanna shout it from the rooftops

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours

Why can't we be like that?

Wish we could be like that

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I am yours ~

 

Dreams don't come true, or so I thought -

Forever torn apart.

then you came to mend my broken heart,

sewing the shattered pieces together;

filling the gaps with your friendship, love, new promise of forever.

I thought true love didn't exist,

but when you held me, I couldn't resist.

Our two souls colliding, you saw the real me;

in your eyes, I finally did see...

...how to appreciate me for me,

and to see things as they're meant to be.

You love me for me,

something I didn't think I'd ever feel or see.

My heart will always bear your name

no matter where I go,

and years will pass me by yet still

my love will always grow..

Along with every breath I make

I wish for your embrace,

or just to gently place my hands

on your handsome face.. 

My heart is yours forever,

and these bonds between us shall never break or tether.

I can love anyone, any way I want to,

but I'd rather love you, for it is stronger and more true.

For now I know true happiness,

without even a mere feeling of emptiness.

Yes, I know I've loved before,

but the love we have is something more.

And so my sweet monkey, look at me

and let me hold your hands,

I swear to love you all my life

until forever ends.. 

I'm yours as long as you want me, cos you my love are truly my soul mate.

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James Bay's Let it Go ~

 

One of the only day that i was out in Oslo, Norway. 

I am feeling like in between of happiness for the experience and sadness too for how it went ~

You can never really plan anything much. You just need to take a deep breath, close your eyes and try to let it go ~ exhale.. try to let the pain go Farah

"Let It Go"

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're slipping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore?

I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no

Whoa

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me

Come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me?
And I'll be me

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Never Forget you ~

 

i love my Monkey 

"Never Forget You"
(with MNEK)

[Zara Larsson:]
I used to be so happy
But without you here I feel so low
I watched you as you left but I can never seem to let you go
'Cause once upon a time you were my everything
It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing
It's buried deep inside me but I feel there's something you should know

I will never forget you
You'll always be by my side
From the day that I met you
I knew that I would love you 'til the day I die
And I will never want much more
And in my heart I will always be sure
I will never forget you
And you will always be by my side 'til the day I die

'Til the day I die ('til the day I die)
'Til the day I die ('til the day I die)

[MNEK:]
Funny how we both end up here but everything seems alright
I wonder what will happen
If we went back and put up a fight
'Cause once upon a time you were my everything
It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing
So what in this world do you think could ever take you off my mind (take you off my mind)

[Zara Larsson:]
I will never forget you
And you'll always be by my side
From the day that I met you
I knew that I would love you 'til the day I die
And I will never want much more
And in my heart I will always be sure
I will never forget you
And you'll always be by my side 'til the day I die

[Both:]
Feeling it, loving it
Everything that we do
And all along, I knew I had something special with you
But sometimes you just gotta know that these things fall through
But I'm still tired and I can't hide my connection with you

Feeling it, loving it
Everything that we do
And all along, I knew I had something special with you
But sometimes you just gotta know that these things fall through
I can't hide my connection with you

I will never forget you
And you'll always be by my side
From the day that I met you
I knew that I would love you 'til the day I die
And I will never want much more
And in my heart I will always be sure
That I will never forget you
And you'll always be by my side 'til the day I die

'Til the day I die...

I will never forget you...

'Til the day I die.

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Random Emotional Entry

I just feel like posting something random about the emotional side of me.

I feel dead inside. But nobody knows it cos i always fake that i'm happy.

I don't know since when the loneliness became so bad. Even when i am surrounded with people i just feel so alone. 

So i have been floating in this temporary world not knowing where to go to just feeling lost and alone.

Being in a relationship didn't help the feeling either. I have realised years after how i accomodate a lot for others, and some do compromise with me but some just won't until it's too late.

Growing up i never wanted to settle down, i wasn't sure why. I have amazing parents never had a big fight or conflict - loving. But yet i always had this fear in me to just settle down with a person.

I wanted to care and love someone and vice versa. 

I have always just wanted a serious relationship because

1) like mentioned above i do not want to settle down

2) i do not believe in marriage

3) i do not want my own kids

4) i don't really trust people

Sitting back and thinking of why i had this kind of feelings made me realise that it's actually just fear.

Fear of not being enough. Fear not able to to contribute. Fear not able to be myself.

Fear of not having a pious partner. Fear of being abused mentally and physically. Fear not being respected. Fear of being left and unloved..

It's all just fear.

I've had my fair share of dating with few individuals each with different characters.

Treated badly and unfairly. Some treated well and changed after. Some can't differentiate with work pressure and personal life and eventually the relationship suffered. Some strangled me and abused me (dumb fuck's name is Munawar i didn't love him he was an asshole i just couldnt find a way to get away from him. Thank god i finally managed to )

Lets say i've been very unlucky in the love department.

I've also dated someone for almost 7-8 years and it became stale cos i didnt see it going anywhere and the feelings slowly died off. 

By the time i reached 30, nature finally kicked in. I wanted to have and love and nurture babies and not big babies.

I wanted to settle down and have children - my own family to come back home from work to.

Unfortunately 4 years after i am still not married.

Is it that hard for someone fat and ugly n weird like me to be loved and accepted?

.

This was what i had in mind for years. FEAR.

Do i still have this fear? Sometimes.

Sometimes i really do feel normal - i'm a figher, but there will come those days when i would feel awful - those black and blue days. Phew it can be really hard.

It's hard when you cant talk to anybody. I do not want to feel lost forever.

I want someone to find me.

I found someone that could be able to get me out of this sorrow - but that would be another post entry maybe? :)

Is there someone out there?

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Melancholy

Raspberry Jam with Vegetable Crackers (late breakfast at 1:12pm)

So i woke up today feeling a little melancholy as usual. That's just how i feel these days..
Is it okay for us to sometimes savour the particular breed of sorrow?

I read somewhere that it just says or means that you are wise, aware and present.

We spend so much time, thought and energy trying to be happy all the time.

The word ‘melancholy’ puts its finger on a particular species of sadness, which isn’t an illness or even a problem: it’s part of being human.

Some people are making it sound like i have a disorder that needs to be cured. Modern society tend to emphasise buoyancy and cheerfulness, but we have to admit that reality is for the most part about grief and loss.

I think that it's a normal human response when feeling miserable. It is rare to find inner peace, that it's hard to live comfortably with those we love, probably too that it's very unusual to have a career that is both financially
rewarding and morally uplifting. Many decent people like me do go through a very hard time at times.

But what about Melancholic Depression. What do we know about this?

I have read through the symptoms and i am relieved to see that i do not have all of them maybe just 1 or 2 almost similarity.

So why do i feel melancholy?

Cos i am currently feeling like i am in such a difficult time. There's so little good to look forward too. I hide a thousand feelings behind the happiest smile.
Sometimes i feel like nothing is helping me right now. Feeling down, sad and lonely.

For others to say that someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse if like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better - is this the case?

We all feel lost sometimes yeah? There are days that i wander around feeling invisible like i'ma  spek of dust floating in the air.

There's that occasional night where you just break down and cry because you know that no matter what, things will never be the same again.


I know i am being kind of general in regards to this post. I just feel like i want to touch on this on a most universal way that i probably more people can relate to.


Not specifically focusing on my sorrow as of yet.

Below is how i feel though..

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Those nights ~~

Pouting - one of those sad nights ..

This would be my very first entry for a new blog that i just created.

Why blog?

It's cos there are days that i wish i could express freely about how i feel or i'd like to rant but i just couldnt bother to really talk about it to anyone or maybe it's difficult to talk about or i just don't have anybody to talk about it.

Why create a new blog? Why don't i use the existing ones?

Well first it is because the others are on private.
Second - i havent been writing much on those. It has been years since i last wrote anything in any of those blogs.
And Third it's because i just feel like my rants and feelings deserves a new blog profile.


There are a lot of things thats happening to me and i just sometimes feel so weak like what's happening to me, what am i doing, what am i going to do, why do i let myself in certain situation, why is it so hard for anybody just sincerely want to be with me and just be happy?

Personal issues, work issues - everything seems to mess up lately. Sometimes i really wish i am more controlled of things going on around me ans better managed my life. I acknowledge that life is funny, cruel, unfair (at times) but i never knew that i'd still come to a point where i feel defeated.

Sometimes i wish that i am able to just dissapear and really not think of anything. Dodge left right. Design my dodge style of the day just like how certain vibrators in the market i saw their vibrating pattern can be designed. Ok im off track now - but you know what i mean.

I am currently feeling so down ~ so alone. Hurting by myself. I am hurt 😞
The feeling that i am going through right now i understand can never compare with others.
But it still kills me..

Also writing will help me to calm down (hopefully)

Will write in more detail once i get some shut eye. It is 7:38am Sunday morning and i have not slept yet :(




Poor heart xx

-Farah Bella speaks ~

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